kahmal04
It could happen at any place at any time. Whether you’re driving down the road, shopping in the supermarket, at home with the family, or at a party with friends it could happen to you. One moment you’re thinking about shaping a beautiful bouquet of smell to share with your buddies but then disaster strikes and you look around desperately for a place to hide, preferably the bathroom. that’s right you just sharted.
For those of you who don’t know what sharting, is let me explain. A shart happens when one feels the urge to purge a pocket of gas built up in the lower bowls, also known as a fart. On very rare occasions that gas build up will surround a solid, or in worse case scenario, liquid by product of digestion, also known as shit. When one expels the gas build up with the combined unknown shit and both escape it is known as a shart and can come as as quite a surprise to most.
Now at times like those, a lot will run through ones mind. Things like “Not while my dates in my car”, “Oh no this is my last set of underwear” or possibly “hey, that relieved my ass chaffing.”. but for most people fear, embarrassment, and thoughts of how to correct the problem with the least amount of people learning of the situation. And depending on the situation, and the type of shart, usually determines ones actions and thoughts on how to treat school of brown trout in their shorts.
*DEMO* It’s Running Down My Leg: A Survivors Guide To Sharting
Posted by kahmal04 on September 4, 2008
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Jesus is going to bitch slap me
Posted by kahmal04 on May 20, 2008
Ok ok, I know this looks bad. There is a story behind it. And unfortunately it really doesn’t make it any better. In fact there is probably a condo in hell waiting for me. Of course Jesus still gets to bitch slap me first before the demon sodomy begins.
See what had happened was the last night in hong kong a few of my friends and i went out to enjoy the last night on dry land we would have for a while. I figured that several Tequila shots would be a welcomed send off back to see. Not to mention a few other drinks that i really don’t remember what they were or maybe even drinking. Well we spent most of the night bouncing in and out of buy me drink bars in Hong Kong. Compared to normal these take it to a new level. The ones in Japan just wait till your drunk and coerce you in, usual by grabbing your crotch. It’s amazing how hard it is to say no when your being led by your crotch. Well some areas in hong kong take it a step farther and mass molest you sober and drag you in the bar. Well being mass molested is rather fun so we would walk into every bar and see how hard it would be to walk out. It was the funnest game I’ve ever played.
After a while of that we continued walking in the bar district we were at. by this time I was feeling pretty good and entering that area of drunk one can only get while drinking Tequila. That very special asshole stage. I was going off on every tout I ran into. They would keep asking for money for some charity of this or that. Now I’m not that much an asshole, you see they warn us about them. That money that is given to them for charity doesn’t really exist, it just goes into somebodies pocket. I knew this so i was having fun yelling a stream of obscenities at them and telling them right where to stick those donation envelopes of theirs. Well after i had my fun with them we continued walking on. And at some point in the night i seen some one and my mind decided that i needed to have a picture to remember him by. But i lost track of him and was disheartened. I figured oh well I can find more things to take pics of.
Well as luck would have it I ran into that guy again. and i begged one of my friends to take a picture. In fact i begged so much that eventual he just gave in to shut me up. By now you probably guessed what picture and what guy I am talking about and if you haven’t already then just look up. At the time all i seen was this deformed burnt guy with a really weird eye and thought he looked cool. In retrospect I now know that this was wrong. The next morning when i woke up I had forgotten about this chain of events and started flipping through my photos and seen that picture. I have never felt so bad about any thing in my life. he looked so sad and I’m standing there with a smile on my face. It was at that moment that i knew that i had made a reservation in the worst parts of hell for a good period of time. That was the defining ass hole moment of my life. And for all of you that are going “you are fucked up you know that”, yes, yes i know. I honestly feel real bad about it. But at least I did give him money so it wasn’t all that bad. although it was only HK$20 which is about 4 or 5 bucks but hey at least i helped him out. That made it all right, didn’t it? I’m so screwed when i die ain’t I.
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Gay Self Test
Posted by kahmal04 on March 29, 2008
I didn’t write this but I have to share it cause i agree with it so much.
Am I Gay?’ (Self-Examination)
1. If you are over forty, and you have a
washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming
homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay — it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…’Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!’ Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed,
you’re so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby
pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public
bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates wherever he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular
coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of
non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a ‘fressier’ is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel,
forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
A Country Of Closet Freaks
Posted by kahmal04 on February 28, 2008
In the three years I have been in Japan, I’ve learned that behind all the politeness and bowing there is something darker behind them all. It may not show out in public but behind closed doors…oh dear god. And to prove it I’ve come up with a list of the top nine things I think show off the true freakishness of this country.
1. Japanese Porn. This stuff is the weirdest stuff I have ever seen. I’ve seen squid go where no squid before it has gone. Guys get hammers and wood blocks taken to the crotch and seem to enjoy it. Not to mention the big school girl rape fetish stuff. What ever happened to normal porn? Not to mention ads for condoms almost look like they are aimed at kids. Take a look
2.Japanese Animated Porn.Yes not only do the have a rather large collection of almost horrifying porn, they animated it as well. I guess the acting in the real thing wasn’t good enough so they decided to draw it out. Not to mention it’s all about demons with tentacles raping girls or other weird stuff like that.
3. They make celebrities out of cannibals. I’m not joking here. Issei Sagawa killed his teacher in Paris and then spent a few days eating here before being arrested. For the full story read the wikipedia article and another one here on him. But moral of the story is that in Japan they made him famous. He was writing articles for tabloids and appearing on cooking shows. I guess every one wants to know how you fillet a hamstring properly.
4. School Girl Outfits. Having a dress code is nothing new to schools in any country. And requiring suits and such is not that big of a deal but when the girls are required to wear skirts that parents in the states would freak about goes into the wierd zone. And the tops look like a sailor outfit and it all combined makes them all look like they are straight from a japanese porno.
5. Lack Of Private Space. Here it tends to get really crowded on trains to where you crushed between people with almost only room for one foot. This becomes a problem when guys keep groping women during this time. it gets so bad that some trains have a female section only during high traffic times to keep this from happening.
6. Japanese Mafia.Now it is nothing new that there is organized crime, every country has it to some extent. And most deal with those that mess up by getting rid of the person one way or another. Here they just make you cut off the tips of your fingers starting with the pinkie. Nothing says I’m sorry than removing part of your self.
7. Read A Book And Kill Yourself. Due in some part to the book “Kuroi Jukai ” the Aokigahara forest at the base of Mt. Fuji became a popular place for suicide. In 2002 some 78 bodies were found hanging from the trees within the forest. Those are just the ones they found there. I have never read any book that made me think of killing myself. Except maybe “The Scarlet Letter” due in part to the that it made my brain hurt from shear boredom.
8. The Lack Of News. I’ve been looking all over for crime incidents and stories and have come up rather short handed. You try looking up crime in Japan and at it will show you is recent acts by US Military or some other foreigner doing some small act that would barely make the papers back in the states and having it blown up over here. Everything we do is so horrible yet you never hear about the kid that killed his parents, decapitated them, proceeded to watch television with the heads and then took them to school. I remember it being on the news for like 1 to 2 days and that was it. You can find news on that stuff but you really have to look hard.
9. Those Who Get Off To Animated Porn. Not only due they animate stuff that would get a person jailed for consecutive lifetimes but some of these guys over here really get into that stuff. Ok so the acting may actually be better than the real life version but nothing beats the real thing. Some people have collections of nothing but the stuff. It’s worse than those who that do nothing but watch Gundam cartoons. I think they watch it just because of the fact that what goes on in the show is illegal in real life.
Now I’m sure i could add way more to this list but by now I am sure you get the point. It may not seem so hidden in the closet if I’m writing about it but did you ever here about a celebrity cannibal on cooking shows before this?
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: japan, 7th fleet, weird, cannibals, shiloh | No Comments »
It All Adds Up
Posted by kahmal04 on February 22, 2008
By now I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard what happened recently in Okinawa. If you are a little behind in what is going on, there was a alleged rape by a Marine service member. For more on it Japan Today has the story. A similar incident happened a decade ago and caused tensions between military and locals down there that continue to this day. And this incident does not help our relations one bit. But you would figure that after a high profile incident like this happening, that service members would be all up on keeping a low profile. As it turns out this is not the case.
Not even a week after the alleged rape incident a few more superstars make headlines down in Okinawa. One marine broke into a home after a night of drinking and passed out in a locals couch. And yet another one was arrested for drunk driving. Now to top it all off is the report of yet another supposed rape case. This is so much bad publicity that we just do not need out here. The area I am stationed in, Yokosuka, had a black stain put on us two years ago when a local sailor committed murder. Two years later we are still living with the restrictions that were imposed after the event.
But what makes these events worse than they already are is that the public will take any negative action made by service members, no matter how small, and use the negative publicity we already to blow things out of proportion. After the murder every little thing from a drunk sailor skipping cab fair to a small scuffle out in town was all over the local news papers. Most of the time incidents like that were never heard of beyond the individuals involved and the service member’s chain of command. Having someone pulled over out in town for a DUI was not front page press if it even made it passed the officers and the service members chain of command. But after big incidents like what happened in Okinawa, every little thing we do over here is put under the microscope and picked through with a fine tooth comb. Every one stationed out here knows this so to have three more reported incidents immediately following a big media covered rape case is almost unthinkable.
How could someone be so stupid as to go out and do something like this when the heat is on. I understand people do sometimes do stupid things. We had a similar incident over here when one of my shipmates went home drunk and lost his keys. He had made the honest mistake of going in the wrong back door. But no one heard about it, no major headlines or Reuters feeds. But i guarantee that had it happened right after the murder he would have been tried on live T. V.
Right now it is time for all service member to get their heads on straight out here in Japan. We do not need any more bad press coverage and publicity. I just wish every one could get this in their heads. After two years the liberty policy out here is finally becoming a little less restrictive. The liberty plans are gone for most sailors and some other liberty restrictions are starting to loosen up in home and foreign ports. After all the crap we went through for the mistakes of a very select few it all stands to be undone yet again.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: 7th fleet, japan, marine, military, news, okinawa, rape | No Comments »
The Worst Day Of The Year
Posted by kahmal04 on February 14, 2008
UPDATE: For another good article to read on why V-day sucks click here
Every year it comes around without fail. People every where celebrating it by ramming tongues down others throats and buying outrageous gifts for each other for nothing other than a useless day. Every one prancing around all happy and laughing. Couples every where making out at all points possible. For what? A day on a calender. Well I say Valentines day is the worst day of the year.
Every year without fail I have been single on Valentines day. When I was younger and every one had to give those little cards in school, i was the one that received less than the others. Valentines day comes on one of the coldest months of the year making it that much more despicable. Not only must I be forced to watch other couples play tonsel hockey and listen to the annoying mushy talk but i must do it while I’m freezing to death. You can’t turn on the TV without seeing the same crap there as well. It just makes me angry.
I am sure that if i wasn’t single I would be singing a different tune but so far that has never happened. No matter how long I have been going out with some one it always seems to fizzle away around the beginning of February. There for making me even more prone to be a really less than pleasant mood come V-day. I watch as others buy all that expensive crap for each other. I think it’s funny because at any other time of year the receiving end of the gifts would assume that the other is trying to buy of the guilt of cheating. For future reference is you ever need to buy off the guilt of cheating do it on Valentines day so other one won’t have a clue.
It is sad to think that i could have gone the entire day without knowing what day it was . Valentines day isn’t celebrated in Japan there for I didn’t have to see stupid ads everywhere for it. I could have actually been happy for the first time in 22 years on this dayu. But co-workers had to ruin it with all that crappy I love you talk on the phone and around my ship. I truly see this day as pointless. It’s a holiday yet I’m still at work. It’s a day of love yet I’m single. And it’s another day of gift giving yet I go home with nothing. At least the single guys should be given the day off to enjoy the only relationship a single guy really has. If you can’t guess what that is then you need help. This is a truly useless day.
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
We are almost up and running
Posted by kahmal04 on February 11, 2008
This site is almost completely live, just a few things to add. Stop in later to check up on it
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
